Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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