Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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