Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
