one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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