When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
