I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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