I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
