apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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