Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize