I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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