I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
