giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
don't judge my taste in strippers
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
