Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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