I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
