A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize