Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he thought i was a dude.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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