please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
