I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize