Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
