Old men and throwing up are my life now.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
