hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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