So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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