I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
