I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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