Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
