The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
