I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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