You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
