This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
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