you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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