he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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