thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
