Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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