I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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