Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I supernannyed him into submission
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
