I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Pants are for mortals
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
