you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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