oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
