My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
