Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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