mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize