I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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