I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
