This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
