I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize