God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
