I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
