dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
