No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
