i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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