Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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