Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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