im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
