he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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