WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You are the jesus of drinking
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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