Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize