I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
