I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
