I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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