Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
