I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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