bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
